died at the hands of a circus side show

I have a really good idea for a post but haven't been able to post since I've been on the brink of death. Some people might call what I had a "cold" but I am pretty sure the common cold isn't runny nose, sneezing, and headache. That really can only mean I am dying.

The doctor had the most glorious beard I have ever seen. Her beard was far greater then anything my husband could grow. Sorry Spencer.

When the the doctor left, my sister in law turned to me eyes wide and whispered, "Did you see that beard!?"

I felt bad for talking about it, I mean what if she didn't realize she had a long full beard? What if it was like getting spinach stuck in your teeth? I quickly came to the conclusion that beards do not grow without the owner of the face noticing. My conclusion has settled that instead of shaving or waxing that is is proud of her luxurious beard.

It must feel great to have such a warm face through the winter.

unicorn girl with a beard

You stigare me

Adia and I were having a tea party cause Adia hates taxes.

Just kidding.

It was the happy kind of tea parties, where tea is hurled all over the room and whole cookies are shoved in mouths in without chewing.

Adia said "Monster come to tea party!" so I went and got Animal. I threw his head out from behind the door frame and asked in a monster voice, "You having tea party?"

There was a couple minutes of silence so I looked into the room. I saw color return to Adia's face as a smile replaced her terror-stricken-eyes.

I didn't mean to scare her.

It's hard to imagine that Animal coming to life and floating four feet off the ground is possible to her.

Random fact: Last time I was pregnant I made up a snack. You dip a banana in yogurt and eat. I called it the Freudian snack.

many shades of black

The previous post has been deleted because I rant for a while about something I don't care about.
A fetus will totally make you freak out at the dumbest things (I'm pregnant again).
The previous post was about how panels only seem to attract people who already agree. There really is never much of a discussion.
I am changing this post into my freak out over a cake. I have probably posted this before.

I was pregnant with Adia and didn't know it. I came home from Church fasting. All I thought about was my lemon cake. Cake is rarely around when you want it and since we are gluten free I made it from scratch.

I waited the eternal 20 minutes and when I pulled it out of the oven the center had fallen! That poop cake was not going to get away with this. I took out a butter knife and swore like a middle school kid desperately trying to mimic a Kevin Smith movie and attacked the cake. Spencer came out of the bedroom and quickly turned around and didn't come out until he heard sobbing. He found me ten minutes later on the floor, crying and eating cake

Translation

When Spencer and I went to Scotland we spent some time talking to a girl in a crowded pub. She was boring, like an abstract painting that you to pretend you appreciate. We spent a long time trying to figure out where she was from. She sounded like an odd mix of Dick Van Dyke (from Mary Poppins), Groundskeeper Willie with a hint of Wallace and Gromit.

"Where are you from? I asked. "I've been trying to place where you are from but for the life of me can't figure it out."
Her face lit up like I was writing a story about her.

"Keliforrrnia." (California)

I was confused. This girl's accent was ridiculous "How long have you been here?"

"6 months!" She was so proud that she was blending in with the locals. Too bad they were just other U.S. tourists.

Zach, this was in Edinburgh by the way. Tell me if you run into her.

Missing you

Oh Radiolab I miss you. I thought about you this morning and drew you this picture.


When my sister went to BYU Hawaii she met a roommate from Olympia, Washington. Over winter break my sister visited the roommate and they walked along the coast.

"What ocean do you think this is?" asked the roommmate

"well..." my sister began. "We are in the Pacific Northwest so I think it's safe to assume the Pacific Ocean."

"....oooh."

I think when applying to go to Hawaii the final question should be 'what ocean is Hawaii in?'

October = Ghost

Today while eating dinner Adia said, "He go outside."

"Who went outside?" I asked.

"A ghost," said Adia

"Really? What does he look like?"

"Like a cow."

"Where in the world did you hear the word ghost? How do you know what one is?" I asked.
She pointed at the empty door, where apparently the ghost cow was standing.

Then it shouted MOO!

Okay the last "moo" part was made up. The first part was a real conversation.

hallelujah, Adia is mine

Adia looks like Spencer.

She doesn't seem to have any of my interests. Mainly she likes to collect rocks and sticks and dress up like a princess.

Today we made robot heads and watched Spectacular Spiderman (which seems to pick up a little of Ramos's art.)

She squealed "Spiderman is cool!"

Finally!

I was starting to believe that maybe Spencer just reproduced asexually and laid the egg in my womb like some alien.

(front and back of robot head)


This post is a little boring so: Random Fact (I said I would do this 6 months ago):

If I am startled I punch. I once punched a clown in a haunted house because he jumped out in front of me. It was a challenge when I was in drama to hide in the wings and try to scare me without getting punched.

Recently at church I almost stabbed a 10 year old boy with scissors when he jumped out behind the door.

You never know when it will be a gang of ninjas so I never let my guard down.

.

Robots don't smell like pee

I hate potty training. I don't want to spend time reading books on it either. I just want someone to say this is how you do it and get it done with. I tried giving her a jedgie (jelly) beans after every potty sitting, we got new underwear, new potty decorated it with stickers and she has seen her friends and people she admired use the potty. She just stands where she is and watches the pee fall out.

I am taking Melanie's idea and banning her from potty training till she is three.

This was my last straw:

She has a book about dogs, a fabric book where you feel the dog fur. She used the book as a stepping stool and peed all over it.

"UGH!" I groan. "That's disgusting."

"I a goofy goober!" says the excited Adia.

"No," I said, "you're a hobo."


.

Pretty sure they are made from happiness

Due to come out this Christmas.

Cooking all your favorite foods with a special ingredient.

Please send me a comment if you would like to pre-order your book. I am expecting to out sell Paula Dean so please get on the list before they are all gone.

Mothra

I hear Adia yelling, "Go away bee, go away!" I look down the hall at her. She is sitting perfectly still, not waving her arms or anything.

"Go away bee!"she keeps yelling.

I get closer. A large moth has landed on her foot and she is too petrified to move. And the moth is content to stay.

Adia's moving castle

Adia and I made a castle out of cardboard. I can't seem to get her to play in it. I think next time I need to get her to participate more in the construction.
A friend was telling me about her diet.
"I am part raw, part gluten free, part vegetarian and I only use organic meat and dairy."
Isn't that everyone? I mean besides specifically organic sometimes I eat a salad and on my wild nights I eat fish. For a crazy twist sometimes I eat an apple baked into a pie.

The Illustrated Baby

Why do I bother reading?
If it's a good book, I'm upset when it's over and sulk around the house looking for something else good to read.

When I finish a good book I am in a vulnerable state. I will take any book endorsement and read.
"Here read this," a friend suggests. "It's about people who love each other and their love shines on even though they are zombies vagrants in the harsh modern city of San Jose. Everything is solved when a flying yellow cat in a turban swoops down and solves everyone problems. plus there is a huge section in the middle about Napoleon and his wars."
If I don't like the book I can never be friends with that person again.

Please send me recommendations I have to many birthdays to remember.

nude beach

We live in the upstairs of a house. Adia loves to walk down the front steps and play at the landing. There is a little window right at her height and she likes to line up her toys on the window sill.

"I going to the beach," said Adia.
"Okay," I reply.

Adia walks down our front steps.
I don't hear her playing down there. I run down there and find a trail of clothes ending with her diaper and a naked child is running around outside.

To open our door we use the deadbolt since it doesn't stay shut when it isn't locked.
Spencer must have unlocked the door for our friend this morning.

It was magical

I did meet that unicorn.

It's been hard to write with Spencer sick, Adia being a fountain of vomit and me not feeling well myself. So here is a quick rundown of some thoughts...

Spencer asked me which historical figure I would like to be. My good girl standard church answer was Jesus but the crucifixion was a real deal breaker. My final choice is Tycho Brahe. He's smart and wealthy, plus the gold nose, midget and alcoholic moose help.

So rugby was scandalized last week when Tom Williams did a horrible job of faking a blood injury. Rugby is a sport where it is very difficult not to cheat. The rules of rugby are very complex they read something like, 'A player must always pass forward unless the moon is waning and a marshmallow within a two feet radius of the field.'
The rule pertaining to Williams is, if a player is taken off the field but it turns out is not injured the only way he can return is if a player on his team starts bleeding, something about appeasing the rugby demons or something. So Williams took a fake blood tablet from a joke shop.

All Williams had to do is play rugby and there would have been blood sooner of later. If he really wanted to speed it up so bad he could have blown a kiss at the biggest opponent on the opposing team.

22% organic

I really want to go hiking to a waterfall tomorrow. If you are at a waterfall you have a 49% chance of seeing a unicorn. (There is also a 20% chance of seeing a werewolf.)

(Here in the Northwest, there is a 20% chance there will be a moody lesbian Vampire.)

I think I will be staying home with Adia, who is sick. There is 76% change of boredom. At least there is a 31% chance that in her sickness she will watch the Iron Giant. Like most little girls, she gets excited over robots.

It will be sad when Adia turns 4 and can tell us whatever she wants. The movies will be 100% chance of being something heinous like a talking dog movie or something else unbearable.

Sticks for Christmas

Adia told me she is writing her ABC's. She showed me her picture and pointed to the letters saying. B, F, R, Y, M and WIt's pretty funny that she doesn't try to draw a mermaid or cat. Just letters.

Kids are okay, I guess. But what would make them really awesome would be if they ate bugs and it didn't hurt them. Infants would be hunting down plump little ants and crunchy-on-the-outside, squishy-on-the-inside spiders. Once they turn 10 or so they would grow out of the bug eating and become a typical adult.

(Recently there have been a massive immigration of bugs into my apartment. They really freak me out. I have found centipedes!)

Babies hunting spiders would make for some AWFUL Spiderman villains. Spiderman would be taunting mutated children as he beat them up. Baby Spice would be a lot freakier and would be sucking on grubs and not chupa chupa lollipops.

Adia told me this stick was a Giraffe.


If anyone plans on getting Adia a gift this Christmas just send sticks.

Space adventure

I must have fallen asleep there....

I've been riding my bike pretty frequently here in B-ham, and I am newly fascinated with the inventor of the bike. Did they not have genitals?

Spencer and I rode our bikes on a trail lining the coast. We got to a bridge that was pretty high over the Sound. A group of kids were jumping off the bridge. It looked like fun, and since everyone was doing it Spencer and I took a turn jumping off. So yes, mom when all the kids were jumping off a bridge I did too.

I jumped after Spencer. He held Adia while she screamed "NO! MOMMY NO!" When Spencer jumped she didn't even say goodbye.

Spencer had his 29th birthday, which we celebrated as a tea party in the park.


And Adia found some fairy homes.

More grandma stories

When I was 7 I refilled my grandma's ice cube tray.
"Are you trying to melt my freezer?" my grandma accused. "This water is warm!"

I still don't own an ice cube tray. Too complicated with the possibility of melting my freezer.

Also Adia looks like the hatchling of Tinkerbell in this picture.

epic fail

One of the big flaws of children, besides the fact that their mouths are constantly making noise and their lack of artistic ability, is that they cannot finish half a cup of juice. I could waste any child in a juice drinking contest.

They are watching me

One thing my family agrees on is cats = happiness. Except big sister she believes that everyone should love a tiny dog with a smashed in face that snorts and constantly licks. Big sis's love of disgusting pugs is probably why this story happened:

My mother, like a mad scientist, likes to experiment on human subjects. Mom gave big sis some tea before a grocery store trip. My sister gulped it down. They arrived at the store and big sis said, "I'm not feeling too well. I am going to bathroom."

Big sister was in the bathroom by the time the shopping was over. Mom went to look for her in there.

Big Sis: Mom *sniff* I think I'm dying
Mom: Oh ha ha ha! You're not dying it's just the tea!
Big sis: What?
Mom: The laxative tea works.

questionable art

I went to a children art walk, all pictures were drawn by children.
It was fun to look at portraits of potato people.
This one is a bit confusing. It looks like kid drew a girl flashing me.


Sorry I'll get better about posting.
And I was posting the 21 random things about me but it was boring.

it came from the heavens

A missionary I know had to get an operation on his foot. He had some crazy growth and after surgery the doctors still don't know what it was. I think it's the blob from Kolob.

Nobody copy. I'm writing a movie about it.

Mickey is my tour guide

There are many ways to get travel companions. You could go to craigslist. You could do a study abroad, or go with a church.

Did you ever consider a Disney Adventure?

The tag-line which fills me with rage is "A medieval town filled with stories--not tourists."

Where is Disney taking you? Are you in the kitchens? Maybe Disney has you dressing the actors at the Globe? Because I can think of a lot of things you would miss by not being where the tourists go.

When people talk about their vacations they frequently will add, "We saw the real ____. We didn't go where the tourists went."
Then what did you see? It wasn't the Preikestolen Rock, The Louvre or The Roman Colosseum.

Maybe Disney just takes you to these places at 2am.

Dirty looks and dirty mouths

I try to keep Adia quite during church by drawing pictures. She thought I was drawing a fox, a word which she cannot properly say.
"f***!" she screams in the back of church. F***, f***!"

Funny fox fact:
When my friend was little she had a major crush on the Disney Robin Hood fox. She thought since they both had red hair that there was a good chance on making it work.

Sticks and stones

A week ago Adia was helping me push the shopping cart. We get stopped by little old ladies all the time. One lol (or little old lady) smiled down at Adia and exclaimed, "Look at the little twit!"

Adia smiled.

Apparently I live in the slums. My car was broken into and 15 pennies were stolen. They left my cell phone and my rings.

EEEIIIHHHH!!!!!

Spencer and I go on a nice long walk late at night. We are halfway down the cross walk when, a rat runs from the sidewalk towards us, runs up the side of the stroller, jumps down and runs away.

My ninja skills do not kick in and I helplessly run in place and scream.

I wonder what the car waiting at the crosswalk thought of me, because I doubt he saw the rat.

Earlier today Adia was at her cousin's house jumping up and down on the couch. She fell off and laid a goose egg on her forehead. I called the doctor panicked.

It would have looked so bad if I called 5 hours later to say a rat bit her face...

where is that dvd about poop?

I got a dvd for Adia about using a toilet. It starts with a lifeless British voice over:
"This is Jake. Jake has three special friends that live in his pocket."

The camera zooms on on the animated boys pants and inside the pocket at three snails, Gordan, Dale and Buttons.

I wish I could have been at the planning meeting for this show.

guy1: We've got to get kids interested in potties. How do we go about this?
guy2: We need a mascot some fun animal...
guy1: Something cuddly like a rabbit or exciting like a dinosaur?
guy2: ...or like a SNAIL!
guy1: Oh brilliant! yeah kids these days love snails. I mean what could be more exciting than snails.
guy2: And the snails live in pockets!
guy1: So they don't have shells right cause that's where snails live.
guy2: No, they still have them it's where they keep magic things like a potty map and a camera to take pictures! Pocket Snails, kids are gonna freak.

And Adia did. I catch her making up songs about them.

And in more British news, I'm adding a link to my favorite podcast (2nd is Radiolab) I run through the house and fall over giggling when I see my itunes has downloaded a new episode.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/us_elections/the_bugle/article5675321.ece

(here is radio lab if you want it http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/)

cough cough

I am really sick right now. Last night I woke up feverish and groggy needing to pee. I look down at my legs which are fused together like a penguin body, that's not the part that freaks me out. I was frightened by the fact that I had two feet. "What am I suppose to do with two feet! I can't walk with two feet. I guess I will just not go to the bathroom."

In January Spencer had an operation that told him nothing was wrong. After insurance took out what they are willing to pay we are left with $600 to pay. $600 dollars worth of nothing is wrong. At least we could have gotten some stickers with it.

Rodents are fuzzy

I'm going to set a rule for everyone to follow, unless the recipient is your own child. Do not give an animal as a gift. My friend was given a gimp guinea pig for her birthday. Although she hated her pet, she took care of it the best she could until the pet died.

On the other side of the world almost ten years later a little girl writes to her beloved Russian president for a guinea pig. The president's goons find her at her school and yell at her, then they yell at her parents.

The tragic story does have a happy ending. The little Russian girl got the rodent of her dreams plus another when parents told the media.

Maybe we should all watch the hamster dance (they are the smaller versions of guinea pigs, right?) and remember our freedoms, not the ability to simply buy stinky pets at the store, but the ability to turn this tragedy into a Lifetime movie.

The Russian girl may never get a movie.

Collapsible bones

After being 10 minutes in the grocery store, Adia loses it. She wants to touch everything, especially the pretty glass bottles. I try to grab her arm but she goes completely limp.

It's so sudden. Like her skeleton is an illusion and she is filled with pudding. Since I am not grabbing her arm hard she falls to the ground and cries from the shock that gravity would pull her to the earth once her body returned to the pudding state.

So everyone hears "Adia come here," and sees a child sprawled and crying on the floor. This would be normal in Montana or Wal-mart but here Adia and I look completely dysfunctional.

Adia did this four times today in Haggen's.

All is forgiven because when she came home she wanted to dress as an octopus. She's totally my child and she rocks.

Also I think I should market a doll filled with pudding.

random thing #3- The job I really want is to illustrate comic books. That would be my top professional choice.

SOOOOOO cool

I've posted before about my grade school dream of being popular.
In the 3rd grade I had a Looney Tunes shirt. One boy stopped to read it.

"So cool," he read.

"It's says SCHOOL!" I yelled. "SCCCHHOOOOLLL." I drag my finger across the letters to emphasize further my disgust with his reading ability.

My friend and I (because cools girls can't function without minions) walked away laughing.

I got home feeling troubled, not by my behavior but by the very confused look the boy had on his face. I pulled off my shirt and read 'so cool.' I was horrified, not with how I treated him, I was embarrassed for being wrong.

Random thing about me #2 I make up songs about red lights, mermaids or toasters. I mainly like to make up jingles. Spencer's favorite is a song about a removable pony leg called "magic pony leg appear!"

She'll be moving out soon

My job as a parent is complete. Adia can identify Jesus and Spiderman, now she knows who she can turn to for help.

A friend tagged me on FaceBook, asking me to list twenty-five random things about myself. Since my attention span does not last long enough to read twenty-five things, let alone write them, I will write one at a time.

#1. I am terrified of spinal cords. I am disgusted that there is one inside of me, hanging out like he doesn't know what he is.

Give Ra Blood

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/cartoon/article5562306.ece

My English teacher, Mrs. Seltzer, was retiring my senior year of high school. It made for the best year any senior could ask for. My friends Tony, Tyler and Lauren did a presentation that consisted of throwing candy out to the class and playing hangman with imaginary words. They received an A. Tony did a presentation on talking dog movies (will talk about later) and he received an A.

Most of the time we watched movies. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kind of movies. Not anything educational.

The only person ever disciplined was me.

I asked Tyler if he would go to prom with me since my boyfriend and I broke up. I wanted to go with someone I knew I would have fun with. Tyler said yes. I told my friend Kiley and she got this confused look on her face and said, "He's going with me. We've been making our outfits all year." (The did the duct tape prom thing)

Tyler never did tell me that he was going with anyone else.

Tyler asked me to put his hair in dreadlocks over the weekend, I was really excited, but the next day he walked into class with them already in--put in by another girl. After having him cheating on me again, I stood up, pointed at him and yelled, "You deadlock whore!"

Mrs. Seltzer sent me out to the hall.

The banshee of Disney

Adia loves mermaids. She wakes up shouting "Mommy mermaid."

If I ask her who she is on the cell phone with it's "mermaid." She wears a mermaid dress during the day and eats off mermaid dishes.

If I need to get some major things done I search mermaid on youtube and play "under the sea" for her.

I was kneading bread when I hear the most awful screeching. It was as if scuttle the seagul finally had a solo. I looked at my poor child, She had her fingers as far down her ear canal as she could cram them. The sound was horrible, but she still didn't want to take her eyes off the mermaid clips.

I don't need to say that the Disney corporation has no quality standard. There are the many horrific, almost mythical beasts it has spawned. I have discovered the one they call Miss Tisdale.

First you swing your hips

My grandma has always been hard on my older sister. When at 13 my sister wanted to walk to the main street of Eureka Montana my grandma put her foot down, "First you're gonna start swinging your hips, then your gonna say 'Come on boys! Come and get me!'"

It went a little far when my grandma stayed with us over a summer. At breakfast my grandma announced to big sis "One of your little customers showed up last night." A boy who had a crush on my sister had tried to talk to her but, too scared to call he knocked on her window. Which was then opened my by grandmother. He ran.

The boy looked like Archie from Riverdale and was about as innocent as Archie. Big sis was also an unlikely candidate for pr-teen fornication. In middle school my sister was slightly chubby, and painted sunflowers on everything in her room including the alarm clock and mini rocking chair which sat two teddy bears.

I've never figured out what grandma was holding against my sister. I have to think more about my grandma accusing big sis of immorality.

I think I'm the villain

I just heard Adia saying "Mama badda coka
babt mama mermaid mama." I looked over and saw that she found this old Wonder Woman comic. I wonder if I'm the villain since she is blond.

Last night Adia rushed into the kitchen on her stubby legs and threw something away. She hurried out with such intensity that I knew she was up to something. I walked after her (she makes more motion than movement when she runs).

Adia was caught brown handed with chocolate. I made her ask for it before she could eat it. It seemed mean to take it away when she had risked all to throw away the wrapper.

R0B07 3|\|91|\|3

I had a dream last night that a giant robot was destroying the town by bouncing a red ball into buildings.
This girl rushed to grab the ball and hide it from him. "NO!" I shouted. "He'll kill you!"
"He won't," she responded. "I'm too pretty."
The robot grabbed the ball and threw it at her she lived but was no longer pretty.
Robots do not care for human ideals.