Translation

When Spencer and I went to Scotland we spent some time talking to a girl in a crowded pub. She was boring, like an abstract painting that you to pretend you appreciate. We spent a long time trying to figure out where she was from. She sounded like an odd mix of Dick Van Dyke (from Mary Poppins), Groundskeeper Willie with a hint of Wallace and Gromit.

"Where are you from? I asked. "I've been trying to place where you are from but for the life of me can't figure it out."
Her face lit up like I was writing a story about her.

"Keliforrrnia." (California)

I was confused. This girl's accent was ridiculous "How long have you been here?"

"6 months!" She was so proud that she was blending in with the locals. Too bad they were just other U.S. tourists.

Zach, this was in Edinburgh by the way. Tell me if you run into her.

Missing you

Oh Radiolab I miss you. I thought about you this morning and drew you this picture.


When my sister went to BYU Hawaii she met a roommate from Olympia, Washington. Over winter break my sister visited the roommate and they walked along the coast.

"What ocean do you think this is?" asked the roommmate

"well..." my sister began. "We are in the Pacific Northwest so I think it's safe to assume the Pacific Ocean."

"....oooh."

I think when applying to go to Hawaii the final question should be 'what ocean is Hawaii in?'

October = Ghost

Today while eating dinner Adia said, "He go outside."

"Who went outside?" I asked.

"A ghost," said Adia

"Really? What does he look like?"

"Like a cow."

"Where in the world did you hear the word ghost? How do you know what one is?" I asked.
She pointed at the empty door, where apparently the ghost cow was standing.

Then it shouted MOO!

Okay the last "moo" part was made up. The first part was a real conversation.

hallelujah, Adia is mine

Adia looks like Spencer.

She doesn't seem to have any of my interests. Mainly she likes to collect rocks and sticks and dress up like a princess.

Today we made robot heads and watched Spectacular Spiderman (which seems to pick up a little of Ramos's art.)

She squealed "Spiderman is cool!"

Finally!

I was starting to believe that maybe Spencer just reproduced asexually and laid the egg in my womb like some alien.

(front and back of robot head)


This post is a little boring so: Random Fact (I said I would do this 6 months ago):

If I am startled I punch. I once punched a clown in a haunted house because he jumped out in front of me. It was a challenge when I was in drama to hide in the wings and try to scare me without getting punched.

Recently at church I almost stabbed a 10 year old boy with scissors when he jumped out behind the door.

You never know when it will be a gang of ninjas so I never let my guard down.

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Robots don't smell like pee

I hate potty training. I don't want to spend time reading books on it either. I just want someone to say this is how you do it and get it done with. I tried giving her a jedgie (jelly) beans after every potty sitting, we got new underwear, new potty decorated it with stickers and she has seen her friends and people she admired use the potty. She just stands where she is and watches the pee fall out.

I am taking Melanie's idea and banning her from potty training till she is three.

This was my last straw:

She has a book about dogs, a fabric book where you feel the dog fur. She used the book as a stepping stool and peed all over it.

"UGH!" I groan. "That's disgusting."

"I a goofy goober!" says the excited Adia.

"No," I said, "you're a hobo."


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Pretty sure they are made from happiness

Due to come out this Christmas.

Cooking all your favorite foods with a special ingredient.

Please send me a comment if you would like to pre-order your book. I am expecting to out sell Paula Dean so please get on the list before they are all gone.

Mothra

I hear Adia yelling, "Go away bee, go away!" I look down the hall at her. She is sitting perfectly still, not waving her arms or anything.

"Go away bee!"she keeps yelling.

I get closer. A large moth has landed on her foot and she is too petrified to move. And the moth is content to stay.

Adia's moving castle

Adia and I made a castle out of cardboard. I can't seem to get her to play in it. I think next time I need to get her to participate more in the construction.
A friend was telling me about her diet.
"I am part raw, part gluten free, part vegetarian and I only use organic meat and dairy."
Isn't that everyone? I mean besides specifically organic sometimes I eat a salad and on my wild nights I eat fish. For a crazy twist sometimes I eat an apple baked into a pie.

The Illustrated Baby

Why do I bother reading?
If it's a good book, I'm upset when it's over and sulk around the house looking for something else good to read.

When I finish a good book I am in a vulnerable state. I will take any book endorsement and read.
"Here read this," a friend suggests. "It's about people who love each other and their love shines on even though they are zombies vagrants in the harsh modern city of San Jose. Everything is solved when a flying yellow cat in a turban swoops down and solves everyone problems. plus there is a huge section in the middle about Napoleon and his wars."
If I don't like the book I can never be friends with that person again.

Please send me recommendations I have to many birthdays to remember.

nude beach

We live in the upstairs of a house. Adia loves to walk down the front steps and play at the landing. There is a little window right at her height and she likes to line up her toys on the window sill.

"I going to the beach," said Adia.
"Okay," I reply.

Adia walks down our front steps.
I don't hear her playing down there. I run down there and find a trail of clothes ending with her diaper and a naked child is running around outside.

To open our door we use the deadbolt since it doesn't stay shut when it isn't locked.
Spencer must have unlocked the door for our friend this morning.

It was magical

I did meet that unicorn.

It's been hard to write with Spencer sick, Adia being a fountain of vomit and me not feeling well myself. So here is a quick rundown of some thoughts...

Spencer asked me which historical figure I would like to be. My good girl standard church answer was Jesus but the crucifixion was a real deal breaker. My final choice is Tycho Brahe. He's smart and wealthy, plus the gold nose, midget and alcoholic moose help.

So rugby was scandalized last week when Tom Williams did a horrible job of faking a blood injury. Rugby is a sport where it is very difficult not to cheat. The rules of rugby are very complex they read something like, 'A player must always pass forward unless the moon is waning and a marshmallow within a two feet radius of the field.'
The rule pertaining to Williams is, if a player is taken off the field but it turns out is not injured the only way he can return is if a player on his team starts bleeding, something about appeasing the rugby demons or something. So Williams took a fake blood tablet from a joke shop.

All Williams had to do is play rugby and there would have been blood sooner of later. If he really wanted to speed it up so bad he could have blown a kiss at the biggest opponent on the opposing team.

22% organic

I really want to go hiking to a waterfall tomorrow. If you are at a waterfall you have a 49% chance of seeing a unicorn. (There is also a 20% chance of seeing a werewolf.)

(Here in the Northwest, there is a 20% chance there will be a moody lesbian Vampire.)

I think I will be staying home with Adia, who is sick. There is 76% change of boredom. At least there is a 31% chance that in her sickness she will watch the Iron Giant. Like most little girls, she gets excited over robots.

It will be sad when Adia turns 4 and can tell us whatever she wants. The movies will be 100% chance of being something heinous like a talking dog movie or something else unbearable.

Sticks for Christmas

Adia told me she is writing her ABC's. She showed me her picture and pointed to the letters saying. B, F, R, Y, M and WIt's pretty funny that she doesn't try to draw a mermaid or cat. Just letters.

Kids are okay, I guess. But what would make them really awesome would be if they ate bugs and it didn't hurt them. Infants would be hunting down plump little ants and crunchy-on-the-outside, squishy-on-the-inside spiders. Once they turn 10 or so they would grow out of the bug eating and become a typical adult.

(Recently there have been a massive immigration of bugs into my apartment. They really freak me out. I have found centipedes!)

Babies hunting spiders would make for some AWFUL Spiderman villains. Spiderman would be taunting mutated children as he beat them up. Baby Spice would be a lot freakier and would be sucking on grubs and not chupa chupa lollipops.

Adia told me this stick was a Giraffe.


If anyone plans on getting Adia a gift this Christmas just send sticks.

Space adventure

I must have fallen asleep there....

I've been riding my bike pretty frequently here in B-ham, and I am newly fascinated with the inventor of the bike. Did they not have genitals?

Spencer and I rode our bikes on a trail lining the coast. We got to a bridge that was pretty high over the Sound. A group of kids were jumping off the bridge. It looked like fun, and since everyone was doing it Spencer and I took a turn jumping off. So yes, mom when all the kids were jumping off a bridge I did too.

I jumped after Spencer. He held Adia while she screamed "NO! MOMMY NO!" When Spencer jumped she didn't even say goodbye.

Spencer had his 29th birthday, which we celebrated as a tea party in the park.


And Adia found some fairy homes.

More grandma stories

When I was 7 I refilled my grandma's ice cube tray.
"Are you trying to melt my freezer?" my grandma accused. "This water is warm!"

I still don't own an ice cube tray. Too complicated with the possibility of melting my freezer.

Also Adia looks like the hatchling of Tinkerbell in this picture.

epic fail

One of the big flaws of children, besides the fact that their mouths are constantly making noise and their lack of artistic ability, is that they cannot finish half a cup of juice. I could waste any child in a juice drinking contest.

They are watching me

One thing my family agrees on is cats = happiness. Except big sister she believes that everyone should love a tiny dog with a smashed in face that snorts and constantly licks. Big sis's love of disgusting pugs is probably why this story happened:

My mother, like a mad scientist, likes to experiment on human subjects. Mom gave big sis some tea before a grocery store trip. My sister gulped it down. They arrived at the store and big sis said, "I'm not feeling too well. I am going to bathroom."

Big sister was in the bathroom by the time the shopping was over. Mom went to look for her in there.

Big Sis: Mom *sniff* I think I'm dying
Mom: Oh ha ha ha! You're not dying it's just the tea!
Big sis: What?
Mom: The laxative tea works.

questionable art

I went to a children art walk, all pictures were drawn by children.
It was fun to look at portraits of potato people.
This one is a bit confusing. It looks like kid drew a girl flashing me.


Sorry I'll get better about posting.
And I was posting the 21 random things about me but it was boring.

it came from the heavens

A missionary I know had to get an operation on his foot. He had some crazy growth and after surgery the doctors still don't know what it was. I think it's the blob from Kolob.

Nobody copy. I'm writing a movie about it.

Mickey is my tour guide

There are many ways to get travel companions. You could go to craigslist. You could do a study abroad, or go with a church.

Did you ever consider a Disney Adventure?

The tag-line which fills me with rage is "A medieval town filled with stories--not tourists."

Where is Disney taking you? Are you in the kitchens? Maybe Disney has you dressing the actors at the Globe? Because I can think of a lot of things you would miss by not being where the tourists go.

When people talk about their vacations they frequently will add, "We saw the real ____. We didn't go where the tourists went."
Then what did you see? It wasn't the Preikestolen Rock, The Louvre or The Roman Colosseum.

Maybe Disney just takes you to these places at 2am.