More grandma stories

When I was 7 I refilled my grandma's ice cube tray.
"Are you trying to melt my freezer?" my grandma accused. "This water is warm!"

I still don't own an ice cube tray. Too complicated with the possibility of melting my freezer.

Also Adia looks like the hatchling of Tinkerbell in this picture.

epic fail

One of the big flaws of children, besides the fact that their mouths are constantly making noise and their lack of artistic ability, is that they cannot finish half a cup of juice. I could waste any child in a juice drinking contest.

They are watching me

One thing my family agrees on is cats = happiness. Except big sister she believes that everyone should love a tiny dog with a smashed in face that snorts and constantly licks. Big sis's love of disgusting pugs is probably why this story happened:

My mother, like a mad scientist, likes to experiment on human subjects. Mom gave big sis some tea before a grocery store trip. My sister gulped it down. They arrived at the store and big sis said, "I'm not feeling too well. I am going to bathroom."

Big sister was in the bathroom by the time the shopping was over. Mom went to look for her in there.

Big Sis: Mom *sniff* I think I'm dying
Mom: Oh ha ha ha! You're not dying it's just the tea!
Big sis: What?
Mom: The laxative tea works.

questionable art

I went to a children art walk, all pictures were drawn by children.
It was fun to look at portraits of potato people.
This one is a bit confusing. It looks like kid drew a girl flashing me.


Sorry I'll get better about posting.
And I was posting the 21 random things about me but it was boring.

it came from the heavens

A missionary I know had to get an operation on his foot. He had some crazy growth and after surgery the doctors still don't know what it was. I think it's the blob from Kolob.

Nobody copy. I'm writing a movie about it.

Mickey is my tour guide

There are many ways to get travel companions. You could go to craigslist. You could do a study abroad, or go with a church.

Did you ever consider a Disney Adventure?

The tag-line which fills me with rage is "A medieval town filled with stories--not tourists."

Where is Disney taking you? Are you in the kitchens? Maybe Disney has you dressing the actors at the Globe? Because I can think of a lot of things you would miss by not being where the tourists go.

When people talk about their vacations they frequently will add, "We saw the real ____. We didn't go where the tourists went."
Then what did you see? It wasn't the Preikestolen Rock, The Louvre or The Roman Colosseum.

Maybe Disney just takes you to these places at 2am.

Dirty looks and dirty mouths

I try to keep Adia quite during church by drawing pictures. She thought I was drawing a fox, a word which she cannot properly say.
"f***!" she screams in the back of church. F***, f***!"

Funny fox fact:
When my friend was little she had a major crush on the Disney Robin Hood fox. She thought since they both had red hair that there was a good chance on making it work.

Sticks and stones

A week ago Adia was helping me push the shopping cart. We get stopped by little old ladies all the time. One lol (or little old lady) smiled down at Adia and exclaimed, "Look at the little twit!"

Adia smiled.

Apparently I live in the slums. My car was broken into and 15 pennies were stolen. They left my cell phone and my rings.

EEEIIIHHHH!!!!!

Spencer and I go on a nice long walk late at night. We are halfway down the cross walk when, a rat runs from the sidewalk towards us, runs up the side of the stroller, jumps down and runs away.

My ninja skills do not kick in and I helplessly run in place and scream.

I wonder what the car waiting at the crosswalk thought of me, because I doubt he saw the rat.

Earlier today Adia was at her cousin's house jumping up and down on the couch. She fell off and laid a goose egg on her forehead. I called the doctor panicked.

It would have looked so bad if I called 5 hours later to say a rat bit her face...

where is that dvd about poop?

I got a dvd for Adia about using a toilet. It starts with a lifeless British voice over:
"This is Jake. Jake has three special friends that live in his pocket."

The camera zooms on on the animated boys pants and inside the pocket at three snails, Gordan, Dale and Buttons.

I wish I could have been at the planning meeting for this show.

guy1: We've got to get kids interested in potties. How do we go about this?
guy2: We need a mascot some fun animal...
guy1: Something cuddly like a rabbit or exciting like a dinosaur?
guy2: ...or like a SNAIL!
guy1: Oh brilliant! yeah kids these days love snails. I mean what could be more exciting than snails.
guy2: And the snails live in pockets!
guy1: So they don't have shells right cause that's where snails live.
guy2: No, they still have them it's where they keep magic things like a potty map and a camera to take pictures! Pocket Snails, kids are gonna freak.

And Adia did. I catch her making up songs about them.

And in more British news, I'm adding a link to my favorite podcast (2nd is Radiolab) I run through the house and fall over giggling when I see my itunes has downloaded a new episode.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/us_elections/the_bugle/article5675321.ece

(here is radio lab if you want it http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/)

cough cough

I am really sick right now. Last night I woke up feverish and groggy needing to pee. I look down at my legs which are fused together like a penguin body, that's not the part that freaks me out. I was frightened by the fact that I had two feet. "What am I suppose to do with two feet! I can't walk with two feet. I guess I will just not go to the bathroom."

In January Spencer had an operation that told him nothing was wrong. After insurance took out what they are willing to pay we are left with $600 to pay. $600 dollars worth of nothing is wrong. At least we could have gotten some stickers with it.

Rodents are fuzzy

I'm going to set a rule for everyone to follow, unless the recipient is your own child. Do not give an animal as a gift. My friend was given a gimp guinea pig for her birthday. Although she hated her pet, she took care of it the best she could until the pet died.

On the other side of the world almost ten years later a little girl writes to her beloved Russian president for a guinea pig. The president's goons find her at her school and yell at her, then they yell at her parents.

The tragic story does have a happy ending. The little Russian girl got the rodent of her dreams plus another when parents told the media.

Maybe we should all watch the hamster dance (they are the smaller versions of guinea pigs, right?) and remember our freedoms, not the ability to simply buy stinky pets at the store, but the ability to turn this tragedy into a Lifetime movie.

The Russian girl may never get a movie.

Collapsible bones

After being 10 minutes in the grocery store, Adia loses it. She wants to touch everything, especially the pretty glass bottles. I try to grab her arm but she goes completely limp.

It's so sudden. Like her skeleton is an illusion and she is filled with pudding. Since I am not grabbing her arm hard she falls to the ground and cries from the shock that gravity would pull her to the earth once her body returned to the pudding state.

So everyone hears "Adia come here," and sees a child sprawled and crying on the floor. This would be normal in Montana or Wal-mart but here Adia and I look completely dysfunctional.

Adia did this four times today in Haggen's.

All is forgiven because when she came home she wanted to dress as an octopus. She's totally my child and she rocks.

Also I think I should market a doll filled with pudding.

random thing #3- The job I really want is to illustrate comic books. That would be my top professional choice.

SOOOOOO cool

I've posted before about my grade school dream of being popular.
In the 3rd grade I had a Looney Tunes shirt. One boy stopped to read it.

"So cool," he read.

"It's says SCHOOL!" I yelled. "SCCCHHOOOOLLL." I drag my finger across the letters to emphasize further my disgust with his reading ability.

My friend and I (because cools girls can't function without minions) walked away laughing.

I got home feeling troubled, not by my behavior but by the very confused look the boy had on his face. I pulled off my shirt and read 'so cool.' I was horrified, not with how I treated him, I was embarrassed for being wrong.

Random thing about me #2 I make up songs about red lights, mermaids or toasters. I mainly like to make up jingles. Spencer's favorite is a song about a removable pony leg called "magic pony leg appear!"

She'll be moving out soon

My job as a parent is complete. Adia can identify Jesus and Spiderman, now she knows who she can turn to for help.

A friend tagged me on FaceBook, asking me to list twenty-five random things about myself. Since my attention span does not last long enough to read twenty-five things, let alone write them, I will write one at a time.

#1. I am terrified of spinal cords. I am disgusted that there is one inside of me, hanging out like he doesn't know what he is.

Give Ra Blood

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/cartoon/article5562306.ece

My English teacher, Mrs. Seltzer, was retiring my senior year of high school. It made for the best year any senior could ask for. My friends Tony, Tyler and Lauren did a presentation that consisted of throwing candy out to the class and playing hangman with imaginary words. They received an A. Tony did a presentation on talking dog movies (will talk about later) and he received an A.

Most of the time we watched movies. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kind of movies. Not anything educational.

The only person ever disciplined was me.

I asked Tyler if he would go to prom with me since my boyfriend and I broke up. I wanted to go with someone I knew I would have fun with. Tyler said yes. I told my friend Kiley and she got this confused look on her face and said, "He's going with me. We've been making our outfits all year." (The did the duct tape prom thing)

Tyler never did tell me that he was going with anyone else.

Tyler asked me to put his hair in dreadlocks over the weekend, I was really excited, but the next day he walked into class with them already in--put in by another girl. After having him cheating on me again, I stood up, pointed at him and yelled, "You deadlock whore!"

Mrs. Seltzer sent me out to the hall.

The banshee of Disney

Adia loves mermaids. She wakes up shouting "Mommy mermaid."

If I ask her who she is on the cell phone with it's "mermaid." She wears a mermaid dress during the day and eats off mermaid dishes.

If I need to get some major things done I search mermaid on youtube and play "under the sea" for her.

I was kneading bread when I hear the most awful screeching. It was as if scuttle the seagul finally had a solo. I looked at my poor child, She had her fingers as far down her ear canal as she could cram them. The sound was horrible, but she still didn't want to take her eyes off the mermaid clips.

I don't need to say that the Disney corporation has no quality standard. There are the many horrific, almost mythical beasts it has spawned. I have discovered the one they call Miss Tisdale.

First you swing your hips

My grandma has always been hard on my older sister. When at 13 my sister wanted to walk to the main street of Eureka Montana my grandma put her foot down, "First you're gonna start swinging your hips, then your gonna say 'Come on boys! Come and get me!'"

It went a little far when my grandma stayed with us over a summer. At breakfast my grandma announced to big sis "One of your little customers showed up last night." A boy who had a crush on my sister had tried to talk to her but, too scared to call he knocked on her window. Which was then opened my by grandmother. He ran.

The boy looked like Archie from Riverdale and was about as innocent as Archie. Big sis was also an unlikely candidate for pr-teen fornication. In middle school my sister was slightly chubby, and painted sunflowers on everything in her room including the alarm clock and mini rocking chair which sat two teddy bears.

I've never figured out what grandma was holding against my sister. I have to think more about my grandma accusing big sis of immorality.

I think I'm the villain

I just heard Adia saying "Mama badda coka
babt mama mermaid mama." I looked over and saw that she found this old Wonder Woman comic. I wonder if I'm the villain since she is blond.

Last night Adia rushed into the kitchen on her stubby legs and threw something away. She hurried out with such intensity that I knew she was up to something. I walked after her (she makes more motion than movement when she runs).

Adia was caught brown handed with chocolate. I made her ask for it before she could eat it. It seemed mean to take it away when she had risked all to throw away the wrapper.

R0B07 3|\|91|\|3

I had a dream last night that a giant robot was destroying the town by bouncing a red ball into buildings.
This girl rushed to grab the ball and hide it from him. "NO!" I shouted. "He'll kill you!"
"He won't," she responded. "I'm too pretty."
The robot grabbed the ball and threw it at her she lived but was no longer pretty.
Robots do not care for human ideals.