I didn't quite catch your name

I called the insurance company...

Me: Hi, can I speak to Maria in the claims department?
Lady: She's on the phone right now. I can send you to her voice mail.
Me: She didn't call me back last time and I need to know if she got my paper work.
Lady: One minute...
Lady: She recived it and is processing the claim now.
Me: That's great, but I never gave you my name so how do you know she has my stuff?
....
Lady: Let me go get her.

Saying thank you with glitter

Going to the bathroom at someone's house may be the most terrifying thing you do.
Making a really awkward story short I clogged a friend of Spencer's toilet. They reported that they were having problems with it, and in my defense there was nothing in there that shouldn't have had an easy time going down.
To make me feel like there were no hard feelings they gave me a card with faeries, glitter and a bewildered kitten.

I have a friend who, whenever I tell her an embarrassing story, always one ups me. This makes me happy. She told me a story about when she accidentally flung poo on her ex-boyfriend's grandma's wall.

She had straps on her shirt that fell into the toilet. When she pulled one up to examine, it shot poo like a slingshot onto the wall. Being a slow learner, she pulled the other strap up in the same way. She informs me that antique wall paper is near impossible to clean.

Cereal Confessionals

VO: My father-in-law is a sex therapist, he's really smart. But can he see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?

Doc: Is it cause the cinnamon reproduces Asexually?

You remind me of the babe

Every morning Spencer brings me a clean (diaper changed) happy Adia.
I feed her and let her crawl around the bed as I try to stay in a bit longer. This morning as she babbled and drooled on my bedsheets I looked into her elf little face and thought, 'she looks just like David Bowie in the Labyrinth.'


This picture of Adia was taken four months ago but it still applies. P.S. don't call my baby creepy cause that's just mean.

Flattery will get you everywhere

When I was little my older brother and sister would rave about my skills as a popcorn chef.
I believed it. I thought that my mixture of butter and salt was precise, unlike that of Jolly Time.
I tried my skills in the kitchen on other food like my gourmet success, Top Roman.
I thought it was the way I followed the directions that somehow it was in another language that only true chefs could read.
After that was mastered I began boiling the noodles and then frying them with spices (the packet that is included) and adding frozen stir fry vegetables.
My brother and sister ate well.
It wasn't till I was in 8th grade and they moved out that I realized that the only reason they told me I was so good was because they didn't want to make it themselves.
My older sister was so good at this that she was even able to get my little sister to make cookies and brownies which she would bring to her boyfriends as a token of love.

Truly, Rachel, I am the cute one

I have an older sister, four girls and one boy (the oldest). I am number 3 that's how I turned out so amazing.
When I was about 8 my sister was 12 and going through puberty. I thought she was just getting fat.
My parents bought us matching day beds to go in our room. Mine had white hearts where the white iron bars met. My sister had a decorative cast to join the bars on her bed, I thought they were ugly.
I was certain my parents gave her that bed since she was the ugly daughter.

Diamonds are a girls best friend and I am so very lonely

I am pretty sure I saw this on Crunk and Disorderly but when I went to the site I couldn't find it so I could have seen this elsewhere.

Oprah celebrated African American woman and had a dinner party a parting gift was diamond jewelry.
Celebrating anything African related shouldn't people stay away from diamonds?

meow meow piddlepot's counting school

When my little sister (not lil' sis,) was even more little, she thought our cat was helping her with her math. That cat's answer was indicated by tapping or kneading the bed.
My sister would read out loud her problem and then count each kitty paw movement scribbling a 7 next to 8 -2.
She didn't do to well at math, but it's not the cat's fault none of my siblings or I did well in math.

My dream pony

I was a pretty cliché little girl, I really wanted a pony.
I thought the most beautiful name would be Moonshine.
Moonshine and I would ride through grassy meadows and always end up at a waterfall.
Every boy would be in love with me because I was free and my hair would shine in the sun.

Recently my friend Katie sent me a link about the tenth dimension.

Somewhere there is a girl who had a pony named Moonshine, and every boy in that world wanted to climb trees, watch duck tales and ride ponies with her.

Also she was a ballerina with superpowers.

Drive up drug deal

My friend Katie was in my parent's neighborhood visiting her mother. My mom drives by and sees Katie stepping out of her own car. My mom slams on her breaks and rolls down her window.
"Katie!" she exclaims. "Have you been taking Calcium?"
"no," Katie responds.
"Do you want to?" My mom hands her a bottle of calcium pills and drives off.

My mom is really generous she has stopped foreigners at fast food restaurants and invited them to stay at our house. She stops when she sees any elderly person and gives them a ride.

She thinks that this is how normal people act.

Youtube makes me stupid

My little sister called me up crying.

lil' sis: I have MRSA and there is no cure and I'm going to die!
me: Did a Dr. tell you this or mom.
lil' sis: *sniff* mom, she said it could be MRSA
me: She thought my friend had a brain tumor when she had headaches. You're going to be okay.

The next day

me: So what did the Dr. say?
lil' sis: Flea bites, but mom thinks she cured the MRSA with her homeopathic medicines

My mom's awesome.
I feel so sad that there are people out there that do not have her as a mother.

Yo Gabba Gabba is the oddest kid show I have ever seen.
I've linked to my favorite song on the show.
Adia loves it along with the egg song.

It's a web like a spider's web made of silver light and shadows...

When Adia was first born I always seemed to find white spiders around where she was. This is not that strange seeing that I was given a lot of flowers. Well after a several nights of no sleep I went a little crazy. On a particular morning she woke me up crying at 3am. I couldn't really wake up fully. I saw another white spider by my pillow and I was positive she sent the white spiders to kill me.