Laughing all the way

Big sis has always been a mama's girl. Mom had to be the last person to kiss her goodbye before she went to school. If my dad kissed her last she would have to go get another one from my mom.

So my brother started the "I hate you daddy" mimic where we exaggerated everything big sis did into meaning, I hate you daddy.

It was nice because:
A. It infuriated my sister.
B. It made me look great.

I thought if my dad thought my sister hated him then by default I would be his favorite.

My older sister came home from college and was eating dinner with my family. As a recent development my dad would sometimes choke when food was too spicy (everything is fine now; that's not a problem.)

No one had told my sister about this so when my dad make choking noises my sister thought my dad was joking that the food was terrible. Big sis started to laugh and laugh. It lasted a little longer then it should have.

So as my dad choked and listened to the laughter of his eldest daughter he thought, 'oh shit, she really does hate me.'

*Author's note: For those of you who don't know my dad, this would not be an accurate description if I had left out the 'oh shit.'

Random thought:
About a year ago I drove to church and saw that there would be a tea party in Bellingham. I was super excited and wished Adia was a little older so she could have tea without needing it in a sippy cup. I thought about how great Bellingham was for having these free events but wondered why it was held at a Walmart parking lot and not in one of the many beautiful parks. I saw the event the next week. Wrong kind of tea party. Sometimes I think I really need to get a TV.

Get back to work

These are random and not related:

Last night I heard scratching at my bedroom window. This is odd since I live on the 2nd story. It was a big fat raccoon. I have no idea how his chubby body was able to scale the house.

When I was little my brother use to try and convince me that I was adopted. I secretly hoped he was right. My true parents were royal and had to give me up because that is what royalty does.

My mom thought freckles were the ultimate sign of beauty so when she was a little girl she use to paint them on. This isn't a picture of my mom; it's Adia.

It drives me crazy when I meet mothers who obsess over keeping clothes on dolls. Kids are curious about bodies and there isn't anything dirty of perverted about that. When I was 5 or 6 I was looking through my mom's medical books and found an illustration of a naked man. I hurried the book to my mom thinking she would flip.

"That's what the male body looks like," she told me. "There is nothing wrong with that but please don't show your friends. Some mothers don't want their children to see that yet."

I don't remember what that picture looked like and I never pulled out that book again but I was really comforted by the thought that I could talk to my mom about sexuality without her freaking out or thinking I was dirty.

One morning when Spencer was getting Adia out of her crib she was so excited to tell him:
"Ariel came into my room, she took my money and flew out the window!"

died at the hands of a circus side show

I have a really good idea for a post but haven't been able to post since I've been on the brink of death. Some people might call what I had a "cold" but I am pretty sure the common cold isn't runny nose, sneezing, and headache. That really can only mean I am dying.

The doctor had the most glorious beard I have ever seen. Her beard was far greater then anything my husband could grow. Sorry Spencer.

When the the doctor left, my sister in law turned to me eyes wide and whispered, "Did you see that beard!?"

I felt bad for talking about it, I mean what if she didn't realize she had a long full beard? What if it was like getting spinach stuck in your teeth? I quickly came to the conclusion that beards do not grow without the owner of the face noticing. My conclusion has settled that instead of shaving or waxing that is is proud of her luxurious beard.

It must feel great to have such a warm face through the winter.

unicorn girl with a beard

You stigare me

Adia and I were having a tea party cause Adia hates taxes.

Just kidding.

It was the happy kind of tea parties, where tea is hurled all over the room and whole cookies are shoved in mouths in without chewing.

Adia said "Monster come to tea party!" so I went and got Animal. I threw his head out from behind the door frame and asked in a monster voice, "You having tea party?"

There was a couple minutes of silence so I looked into the room. I saw color return to Adia's face as a smile replaced her terror-stricken-eyes.

I didn't mean to scare her.

It's hard to imagine that Animal coming to life and floating four feet off the ground is possible to her.

Random fact: Last time I was pregnant I made up a snack. You dip a banana in yogurt and eat. I called it the Freudian snack.

many shades of black

The previous post has been deleted because I rant for a while about something I don't care about.
A fetus will totally make you freak out at the dumbest things (I'm pregnant again).
The previous post was about how panels only seem to attract people who already agree. There really is never much of a discussion.
I am changing this post into my freak out over a cake. I have probably posted this before.

I was pregnant with Adia and didn't know it. I came home from Church fasting. All I thought about was my lemon cake. Cake is rarely around when you want it and since we are gluten free I made it from scratch.

I waited the eternal 20 minutes and when I pulled it out of the oven the center had fallen! That poop cake was not going to get away with this. I took out a butter knife and swore like a middle school kid desperately trying to mimic a Kevin Smith movie and attacked the cake. Spencer came out of the bedroom and quickly turned around and didn't come out until he heard sobbing. He found me ten minutes later on the floor, crying and eating cake

Translation

When Spencer and I went to Scotland we spent some time talking to a girl in a crowded pub. She was boring, like an abstract painting that you to pretend you appreciate. We spent a long time trying to figure out where she was from. She sounded like an odd mix of Dick Van Dyke (from Mary Poppins), Groundskeeper Willie with a hint of Wallace and Gromit.

"Where are you from? I asked. "I've been trying to place where you are from but for the life of me can't figure it out."
Her face lit up like I was writing a story about her.

"Keliforrrnia." (California)

I was confused. This girl's accent was ridiculous "How long have you been here?"

"6 months!" She was so proud that she was blending in with the locals. Too bad they were just other U.S. tourists.

Zach, this was in Edinburgh by the way. Tell me if you run into her.

Missing you

Oh Radiolab I miss you. I thought about you this morning and drew you this picture.


When my sister went to BYU Hawaii she met a roommate from Olympia, Washington. Over winter break my sister visited the roommate and they walked along the coast.

"What ocean do you think this is?" asked the roommmate

"well..." my sister began. "We are in the Pacific Northwest so I think it's safe to assume the Pacific Ocean."

"....oooh."

I think when applying to go to Hawaii the final question should be 'what ocean is Hawaii in?'

October = Ghost

Today while eating dinner Adia said, "He go outside."

"Who went outside?" I asked.

"A ghost," said Adia

"Really? What does he look like?"

"Like a cow."

"Where in the world did you hear the word ghost? How do you know what one is?" I asked.
She pointed at the empty door, where apparently the ghost cow was standing.

Then it shouted MOO!

Okay the last "moo" part was made up. The first part was a real conversation.

hallelujah, Adia is mine

Adia looks like Spencer.

She doesn't seem to have any of my interests. Mainly she likes to collect rocks and sticks and dress up like a princess.

Today we made robot heads and watched Spectacular Spiderman (which seems to pick up a little of Ramos's art.)

She squealed "Spiderman is cool!"

Finally!

I was starting to believe that maybe Spencer just reproduced asexually and laid the egg in my womb like some alien.

(front and back of robot head)


This post is a little boring so: Random Fact (I said I would do this 6 months ago):

If I am startled I punch. I once punched a clown in a haunted house because he jumped out in front of me. It was a challenge when I was in drama to hide in the wings and try to scare me without getting punched.

Recently at church I almost stabbed a 10 year old boy with scissors when he jumped out behind the door.

You never know when it will be a gang of ninjas so I never let my guard down.

.

Robots don't smell like pee

I hate potty training. I don't want to spend time reading books on it either. I just want someone to say this is how you do it and get it done with. I tried giving her a jedgie (jelly) beans after every potty sitting, we got new underwear, new potty decorated it with stickers and she has seen her friends and people she admired use the potty. She just stands where she is and watches the pee fall out.

I am taking Melanie's idea and banning her from potty training till she is three.

This was my last straw:

She has a book about dogs, a fabric book where you feel the dog fur. She used the book as a stepping stool and peed all over it.

"UGH!" I groan. "That's disgusting."

"I a goofy goober!" says the excited Adia.

"No," I said, "you're a hobo."


.

Pretty sure they are made from happiness

Due to come out this Christmas.

Cooking all your favorite foods with a special ingredient.

Please send me a comment if you would like to pre-order your book. I am expecting to out sell Paula Dean so please get on the list before they are all gone.

Mothra

I hear Adia yelling, "Go away bee, go away!" I look down the hall at her. She is sitting perfectly still, not waving her arms or anything.

"Go away bee!"she keeps yelling.

I get closer. A large moth has landed on her foot and she is too petrified to move. And the moth is content to stay.

Adia's moving castle

Adia and I made a castle out of cardboard. I can't seem to get her to play in it. I think next time I need to get her to participate more in the construction.
A friend was telling me about her diet.
"I am part raw, part gluten free, part vegetarian and I only use organic meat and dairy."
Isn't that everyone? I mean besides specifically organic sometimes I eat a salad and on my wild nights I eat fish. For a crazy twist sometimes I eat an apple baked into a pie.

The Illustrated Baby

Why do I bother reading?
If it's a good book, I'm upset when it's over and sulk around the house looking for something else good to read.

When I finish a good book I am in a vulnerable state. I will take any book endorsement and read.
"Here read this," a friend suggests. "It's about people who love each other and their love shines on even though they are zombies vagrants in the harsh modern city of San Jose. Everything is solved when a flying yellow cat in a turban swoops down and solves everyone problems. plus there is a huge section in the middle about Napoleon and his wars."
If I don't like the book I can never be friends with that person again.

Please send me recommendations I have to many birthdays to remember.

nude beach

We live in the upstairs of a house. Adia loves to walk down the front steps and play at the landing. There is a little window right at her height and she likes to line up her toys on the window sill.

"I going to the beach," said Adia.
"Okay," I reply.

Adia walks down our front steps.
I don't hear her playing down there. I run down there and find a trail of clothes ending with her diaper and a naked child is running around outside.

To open our door we use the deadbolt since it doesn't stay shut when it isn't locked.
Spencer must have unlocked the door for our friend this morning.

It was magical

I did meet that unicorn.

It's been hard to write with Spencer sick, Adia being a fountain of vomit and me not feeling well myself. So here is a quick rundown of some thoughts...

Spencer asked me which historical figure I would like to be. My good girl standard church answer was Jesus but the crucifixion was a real deal breaker. My final choice is Tycho Brahe. He's smart and wealthy, plus the gold nose, midget and alcoholic moose help.

So rugby was scandalized last week when Tom Williams did a horrible job of faking a blood injury. Rugby is a sport where it is very difficult not to cheat. The rules of rugby are very complex they read something like, 'A player must always pass forward unless the moon is waning and a marshmallow within a two feet radius of the field.'
The rule pertaining to Williams is, if a player is taken off the field but it turns out is not injured the only way he can return is if a player on his team starts bleeding, something about appeasing the rugby demons or something. So Williams took a fake blood tablet from a joke shop.

All Williams had to do is play rugby and there would have been blood sooner of later. If he really wanted to speed it up so bad he could have blown a kiss at the biggest opponent on the opposing team.

22% organic

I really want to go hiking to a waterfall tomorrow. If you are at a waterfall you have a 49% chance of seeing a unicorn. (There is also a 20% chance of seeing a werewolf.)

(Here in the Northwest, there is a 20% chance there will be a moody lesbian Vampire.)

I think I will be staying home with Adia, who is sick. There is 76% change of boredom. At least there is a 31% chance that in her sickness she will watch the Iron Giant. Like most little girls, she gets excited over robots.

It will be sad when Adia turns 4 and can tell us whatever she wants. The movies will be 100% chance of being something heinous like a talking dog movie or something else unbearable.

Sticks for Christmas

Adia told me she is writing her ABC's. She showed me her picture and pointed to the letters saying. B, F, R, Y, M and WIt's pretty funny that she doesn't try to draw a mermaid or cat. Just letters.

Kids are okay, I guess. But what would make them really awesome would be if they ate bugs and it didn't hurt them. Infants would be hunting down plump little ants and crunchy-on-the-outside, squishy-on-the-inside spiders. Once they turn 10 or so they would grow out of the bug eating and become a typical adult.

(Recently there have been a massive immigration of bugs into my apartment. They really freak me out. I have found centipedes!)

Babies hunting spiders would make for some AWFUL Spiderman villains. Spiderman would be taunting mutated children as he beat them up. Baby Spice would be a lot freakier and would be sucking on grubs and not chupa chupa lollipops.

Adia told me this stick was a Giraffe.


If anyone plans on getting Adia a gift this Christmas just send sticks.

Space adventure

I must have fallen asleep there....

I've been riding my bike pretty frequently here in B-ham, and I am newly fascinated with the inventor of the bike. Did they not have genitals?

Spencer and I rode our bikes on a trail lining the coast. We got to a bridge that was pretty high over the Sound. A group of kids were jumping off the bridge. It looked like fun, and since everyone was doing it Spencer and I took a turn jumping off. So yes, mom when all the kids were jumping off a bridge I did too.

I jumped after Spencer. He held Adia while she screamed "NO! MOMMY NO!" When Spencer jumped she didn't even say goodbye.

Spencer had his 29th birthday, which we celebrated as a tea party in the park.


And Adia found some fairy homes.

More grandma stories

When I was 7 I refilled my grandma's ice cube tray.
"Are you trying to melt my freezer?" my grandma accused. "This water is warm!"

I still don't own an ice cube tray. Too complicated with the possibility of melting my freezer.

Also Adia looks like the hatchling of Tinkerbell in this picture.